Sarkie's Parking Space

Sarkie's Parking Space

Tool Kit Humour

Translating Haynes Manuals
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer, anticlockwise

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you plebe!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun:
Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never look like that..."

Tool Kit
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanics knife
Used to slice through the contents of cardboard cartons; works particularly well on boxes containing newly trimmed seats and other expensive soft furnishings.

Electric drill
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but works better when drilling holes in floor pans, particularly above fuel tanks.

One of a family of tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course the more dismal your future becomes.

Used to round off bolt heads and when nothing else is available, excellent for transferring intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch
Used almost entirely for setting fire to various flammable objects in the garage or vehicle no matter how much care you took to remove everything beforehand.

Drill press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the garage, splattering it all over that freshly painted part.

Rotary Wire Wheel
Cleans rust off old bolts then throws them somewhere under the bench at the speed of light. Also removes flesh in about the time it takes to shout, "Ouc...."

Bolt & Stud extractor
A tool that snaps off in engine blocks and is ten times harder than any known drill bit

Body filler spatula
Theoretically a useful kitchen tool for spreading mayonnaise in sandwiches which seems to end up spreading filler, but mainly useful for scraping doggy poo off your boots.

Timing light
A stroboscopic instrument excellent for illuminating oil and grease build up.

Hydraulic Engine hoist
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth straps, wiring and throttle linkages.

12" Long Screwdriver
A large prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester
A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from the battery across the bodywork into the toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Inspection Light
The mechanics own tanning booth, it is a good source of Vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin not otherwise found when working under Jaguars. Its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at the same rate as 105mm howitzer shells in the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab lids of old oil cans and splash oil all over your shirt, but also to round off Phillips screw heads or remove oil filters.

I take no credit for writing these(unfortunatly!) and don't know where they originate from.